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Oct. 3rd, 2016 01:33 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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elyuriasDon't stick your dick in crazy.
That was always what you and your friends said. Kind of like your motto and even if you're gay, they had all assured you it was just the same. Bitches be crazy and hey, assholes be crazy, too. It was a joke and so you laughed along and let it be.
You hear the text message notification go off on your phone and you look down, seeing it's the fifth message that day from your boyfriend, Horikawa. You'd been busy and unable to answer back. Well, that's a lie, you just kind of dreaded it. He'd been in one of those moods last night. It would carry over into today and you know it. But you can't keep avoiding him forever, now can you?
The messages are as you thought they'd go. He's saying good morning at first and that he misses you. The second one asks if you want to do something tonight. The third asks if you're busy. The fourth asks if you're mad at him. And the fifth is the accusation that you're ignoring him.
The face you're making attracts the attention of the friend you're hanging out with and he sneaks a peak at your phone. He grimaces and shakes his head.
“How do you deal with that?”
“Hey, mind your own business, asshole,” you snap, pocketing your phone. You'll deal with Horikawa in private even though you know that not messaging him back now will make things worse later, but you also just don't want to do this with friends around. Maybe you could explain that, but maybe Horikawa will think you're choosing them over him.
“Listen, man, I'm not gay and all so who knows if I know anything; but seriously, if this was a chick, you'd be telling me to drop her. Your guy's clingy and aren't you two always fighting?”
You glare at him, growing more and more agitated. “Horikawa isn't some random chick I decided to hook up with.”
“He's a random guy you hooked up with and started dating.”
“Cut the fucking details. You know it isn't the same thing.” You're mad because he's right. This isn't something they just started telling you. From your first fights to your more recent ones, Horikawa's made it more and more obvious something is wrong with him. They've been trying to tell you to break it off, cut yourself free and be happy with some other guy. This isn't a good thing you have going on and deep down you know it, but…
You love him.
“How the hell isn't it? He's never giving you space, he's accusing you of cheating all the time, he questions you about us, he gets jealous when you are with us, and isn't this all high school shit about abusive relationships or something? This dude's bad for you. You know it, we know it, and even he probably knows it.”
You really want to punch something right now. A wall or a pillow or something. You're just so frustrated because it was never like this and you were happy. So why can't you have that back?
“I'm going,” you say and go towards where your car's parked.
“You can't keep making yourself miserable!” Your friend shouts after you, but you ignore him. Even if he's right, even if they all are, they don't understand how much you love him and you want to make this work. You really do.
When you arrive home, you take your phone out to see another message from Horikawa. This time it's a long message about how sorry he is. He's annoying you, isn't he? He's just worried you're mad. It's not even noon yet. You really want to smoke a joint and unwind, but you have to go drive back out for a class later. Instead you run your hand through your hair and try to figure out what to say. Talking with Horikawa is like trying to navigate through a minefield.
You flop down onto your couch and go looking through your gallery, back to pictures you have of him and of you together. His smile still makes you smile, seeing you two next to each other still makes you happy, and you just love him so much. He loves you just as much. As corny as it is to think, you can't help yourself from thinking it: why isn't this enough?
Your phone rings. It's Horikawa. It hasn't even been fifteen minutes since the last text he sent you. Not to mention who even calls anymore? You sigh and know you have to answer. If you don't then the fight tonight will be bad and you'll regret it.
“Izumi,” Horikawa sighs, sounding relieved. “You aren't ignoring me. But then why didn't you answer my texts?”
“Well, I was in class and the only seat left was in the front so you know how it goes.”
“But your class is over, isn't it? It ended a while ago.”
“Horikawa,” you groan. “Can't you just be happy I'm talking to you now? Fuck, I'm not ignoring you and I wasn't.”
He's silent for a moment before he says quietly, “I'm sorry. I'm annoying you. I know I always--”
“Stop.” If he gets going, he'll just go on and on about how much he hates himself. Which isn't something you really understand. He'd seemed so sure of himself when you first met him. It was one of the reasons you wanted to fuck him because he had acted like you weren't good enough for him. Call it a pride thing, but from then on you'd made it your goal to end up in his bed and somehow you had just stayed there.
This whole insecure, jealous thing really wasn't part of what had attracted you to him in the first place. That's for sure.
“But I'm annoying you, aren't I?”
“You're not. Can we please not do this? Can't you just come over to my place tonight and we watch some movie you love and make out?” You hate how desperate you sound.
There's another quiet moment, but he answers.“Yes. See you tonight after your last class?”
“See you.”
You hang up with a sigh of relief. You hadn't fought and a phone call that doesn't end in a yelling match is a good one and you decide to ignore the big problem with that.
- - - -
You remember when you used to start fights with him just for the sake of making up. You'd make fun of his driving or his tastes. You would call each other names and then just end up in bed, laughing about it later. Those are the times you miss more than anything because fights now end in accusations because Horikawa won't believe in you. He doesn't trust you and you don't get it, but it really hurts. You care about him so why can't he just understand you will never leave him? That you don't want to? Why would you cheat on him when you have him and that's all you need?
But right now, as your lips move against his and you ignore the movie in the background, you think about how much you don't want this to end. Despite everything he does to drive you insane, you love him too damn much to give up. You want to see how far you two can go and even if it's too soon to think about it, marriage has crossed your mind here and there. Which isn't something you ever thought you'd think of.
There's times where you wonder if maybe you should just tell all of this to Horikawa. Tell him you've thought of marriage and does that really sound like the kind of guy that would go and cheat? But if Horikawa is crazy and clingy then what does thinking about marriage already sound like? You two haven't even said you love each other. Marriage shouldn't even be brought up.
Horikawa pulls away from the kiss, smiling and as always you follow in turn. How couldn't you smile? His eyes light up and you think that yeah, you can make it. You can handle anything he keeps throwing at you because you love him and you know he has to love you. If you want it to work then it will.
“I'm thirsty. Could you get me a drink?” He asks, brushing his lips against yours.
You nip them. “Can't go get it yourself?”
“You're the host,” Horikawa argues, teasing you as he presses another kiss to your lips. “You should work on making sure I'm comfortable in your home.”
You roll your eyes, moving Horikawa off of your lap so you can get him a drink. “Yeah, like you don't stay here enough to not just go get your own shit. I'll be back, needy bastard.” You've been with him long enough that you don't have to ask what he wants. Actually you have it all stocked up because he's stayed over for weekends and days so why wouldn't you have things of his?
But when you come back, you see him on your phone. It's obvious that he's reading through your texts and you wonder if this is the real reason why he sent you away. A ploy to be able to try to find some answers that don't even exist. Anger rises within you because fuck this noise. “What the hell?”
Horikawa jumps and drops your phone like it's burned him and he looks at you, knowing he did something wrong. Guilt is written all over his face. “I just saw you had a text message, so--”
“So you snooped at my phone?!”
“Well,” Horikawa begins, taking on a defensive tone. “The name wasn't one I recognized so who is it?”
“Who's who?!” You yell, slamming his drink down on a counter and making a mess. “I didn't know you had to know everybody I talk to! What next, do you want to know what I fucking ate today?!”
“If it isn't anything then why are you getting so defensive?” He sounds like he's trying not to yell, trying to act like he's the bigger person and that only makes you feel more and more pissed off.
“I'm not getting defensive, I'm getting pissed off you think you have a right to go look at my texts because it's not someone you might know! That's my phone and it's my privacy and what gives you the right to invade that?!”
Horikawa stands up, looking more infuriated than he has any right to considering what he just did. “You still haven't even told me who it is.”
“I don't have to!” You shout. It's amazing that Horikawa doesn't seem to understand that. “I don't know who just texted me and it could be for any goddamn reason, but you know what it isn't? It isn't some fucking hook-up or me cheating on you because that's what you think, huh? Were you also trying to see if I was flirting with any guys?!”
“I didn't even mention that so that's where your mind is going—”
You laugh and move your hands in front of you, as if trying to ward him off because you know what he's doing. “Don't start this shit. You want to try playing this mind game like I'm not the victim to your bullshit. Quit trying to be the victim every time!”
“What else could you be doing? You ignore my texts and now some random guy is texting you! What else am I supposed to believe, Izumi?!”
“Ignoring your texts?” You laugh harder and turn around, tugging your hair in frustration. “Ignoring his texts, he says. Kind of hard to do that when you send me almost five every single hour of the day! 'What are you doing? Why aren't you answering me? Am I irritating you? Are you mad?' You know, I'll give you an honest answer: you sure as hell are irritating me! Can you get off my fucking dick?!”
“Why, so another man can get on?” Horikawa challenges, not yelling, but coldly stating this as if he thinks he's got something on you which is so hilariously far from the truth.
Words don't come to you and you stare at him, trying to think of something. Anything. You need to make this stop and you know there's one way: breaking up. If any if your friends were here right now, they'd be telling you to do it. Don't stick your dick in crazy and this is beyond crazy. You're not stupid. This isn't healthy, the way he won't trust you and how he treats you. It's bad.
You open your mouth, ready to say the words but you can't. The idea of breaking up with him makes you feel sick and you can't let him go. You can't give up.
“I can't do this.” Sitting down on your couch, elbows on your knees, and head in your hands; you decide to show him one thing: how much this is hurting you. “I'm so sick of having to defend myself and goddamnit, I don't want to fight. I just wanted to spend time with you and it's like we can't do that without you wondering if maybe I don't want to or something.” You could cry right now with how frustrated you are, but like hell you'll do that.
“Izumi…?”
“I need space. I need to figure things out and I can't do that with you being like this.”
You hope he understands what you're trying to say because talking things out has never been something you're very good at. Something tells you you're going to have to and you know you're really going to have to think hard.
“Are you breaking up with me?”
“No. I want the space so I don't break up with you and no, it isn't to hook up with some other guy.”
“...Then is this a break?”
“No. It's just a few days, okay? It's just me trying to get some space from you so we can stop fighting and think. We're still dating. Do you get it?”
You still haven't looked up at him and you don't want to. You know if he can't take a few hours away from you then a few days is ten times worse. But if you two are going to make it then you both need this.
“Okay.” You don't have to look up to hear his nod or to see how hard that one word was for him. “Izumi, I--” He trails off and you turn your head up because something about his tone seems like you should listen. But then that seems to ruin what he wanted to say and he shakes his head. “Never mind. I'll tell you later. I'll see you?”
Standing up, you walk over to him and kiss him softly. You offer him a small smile, trying to assure him this really isn't the end. “I'll call you.” Maybe you should say more, but you're still not sure what words you want to tell him because you know if you want this to work, you're going to have to think. And hard.
He only nods and steps back, walking out quickly. The door closing makes you feel alone and you lay down on your couch, feeling how warm it is where you two were just sitting. Sighing, your eyes turn to the television, to his favorite movie. It's really not something you'd watch and so you instead decide to look at your phone because now you are wondering who texted you.
And then you laugh bitterly when you see it was just some fucking classmate you were paired up with today asking you to meet up to work on some project.
That was always what you and your friends said. Kind of like your motto and even if you're gay, they had all assured you it was just the same. Bitches be crazy and hey, assholes be crazy, too. It was a joke and so you laughed along and let it be.
You hear the text message notification go off on your phone and you look down, seeing it's the fifth message that day from your boyfriend, Horikawa. You'd been busy and unable to answer back. Well, that's a lie, you just kind of dreaded it. He'd been in one of those moods last night. It would carry over into today and you know it. But you can't keep avoiding him forever, now can you?
The messages are as you thought they'd go. He's saying good morning at first and that he misses you. The second one asks if you want to do something tonight. The third asks if you're busy. The fourth asks if you're mad at him. And the fifth is the accusation that you're ignoring him.
The face you're making attracts the attention of the friend you're hanging out with and he sneaks a peak at your phone. He grimaces and shakes his head.
“How do you deal with that?”
“Hey, mind your own business, asshole,” you snap, pocketing your phone. You'll deal with Horikawa in private even though you know that not messaging him back now will make things worse later, but you also just don't want to do this with friends around. Maybe you could explain that, but maybe Horikawa will think you're choosing them over him.
“Listen, man, I'm not gay and all so who knows if I know anything; but seriously, if this was a chick, you'd be telling me to drop her. Your guy's clingy and aren't you two always fighting?”
You glare at him, growing more and more agitated. “Horikawa isn't some random chick I decided to hook up with.”
“He's a random guy you hooked up with and started dating.”
“Cut the fucking details. You know it isn't the same thing.” You're mad because he's right. This isn't something they just started telling you. From your first fights to your more recent ones, Horikawa's made it more and more obvious something is wrong with him. They've been trying to tell you to break it off, cut yourself free and be happy with some other guy. This isn't a good thing you have going on and deep down you know it, but…
You love him.
“How the hell isn't it? He's never giving you space, he's accusing you of cheating all the time, he questions you about us, he gets jealous when you are with us, and isn't this all high school shit about abusive relationships or something? This dude's bad for you. You know it, we know it, and even he probably knows it.”
You really want to punch something right now. A wall or a pillow or something. You're just so frustrated because it was never like this and you were happy. So why can't you have that back?
“I'm going,” you say and go towards where your car's parked.
“You can't keep making yourself miserable!” Your friend shouts after you, but you ignore him. Even if he's right, even if they all are, they don't understand how much you love him and you want to make this work. You really do.
When you arrive home, you take your phone out to see another message from Horikawa. This time it's a long message about how sorry he is. He's annoying you, isn't he? He's just worried you're mad. It's not even noon yet. You really want to smoke a joint and unwind, but you have to go drive back out for a class later. Instead you run your hand through your hair and try to figure out what to say. Talking with Horikawa is like trying to navigate through a minefield.
You flop down onto your couch and go looking through your gallery, back to pictures you have of him and of you together. His smile still makes you smile, seeing you two next to each other still makes you happy, and you just love him so much. He loves you just as much. As corny as it is to think, you can't help yourself from thinking it: why isn't this enough?
Your phone rings. It's Horikawa. It hasn't even been fifteen minutes since the last text he sent you. Not to mention who even calls anymore? You sigh and know you have to answer. If you don't then the fight tonight will be bad and you'll regret it.
“Izumi,” Horikawa sighs, sounding relieved. “You aren't ignoring me. But then why didn't you answer my texts?”
“Well, I was in class and the only seat left was in the front so you know how it goes.”
“But your class is over, isn't it? It ended a while ago.”
“Horikawa,” you groan. “Can't you just be happy I'm talking to you now? Fuck, I'm not ignoring you and I wasn't.”
He's silent for a moment before he says quietly, “I'm sorry. I'm annoying you. I know I always--”
“Stop.” If he gets going, he'll just go on and on about how much he hates himself. Which isn't something you really understand. He'd seemed so sure of himself when you first met him. It was one of the reasons you wanted to fuck him because he had acted like you weren't good enough for him. Call it a pride thing, but from then on you'd made it your goal to end up in his bed and somehow you had just stayed there.
This whole insecure, jealous thing really wasn't part of what had attracted you to him in the first place. That's for sure.
“But I'm annoying you, aren't I?”
“You're not. Can we please not do this? Can't you just come over to my place tonight and we watch some movie you love and make out?” You hate how desperate you sound.
There's another quiet moment, but he answers.“Yes. See you tonight after your last class?”
“See you.”
You hang up with a sigh of relief. You hadn't fought and a phone call that doesn't end in a yelling match is a good one and you decide to ignore the big problem with that.
- - - -
You remember when you used to start fights with him just for the sake of making up. You'd make fun of his driving or his tastes. You would call each other names and then just end up in bed, laughing about it later. Those are the times you miss more than anything because fights now end in accusations because Horikawa won't believe in you. He doesn't trust you and you don't get it, but it really hurts. You care about him so why can't he just understand you will never leave him? That you don't want to? Why would you cheat on him when you have him and that's all you need?
But right now, as your lips move against his and you ignore the movie in the background, you think about how much you don't want this to end. Despite everything he does to drive you insane, you love him too damn much to give up. You want to see how far you two can go and even if it's too soon to think about it, marriage has crossed your mind here and there. Which isn't something you ever thought you'd think of.
There's times where you wonder if maybe you should just tell all of this to Horikawa. Tell him you've thought of marriage and does that really sound like the kind of guy that would go and cheat? But if Horikawa is crazy and clingy then what does thinking about marriage already sound like? You two haven't even said you love each other. Marriage shouldn't even be brought up.
Horikawa pulls away from the kiss, smiling and as always you follow in turn. How couldn't you smile? His eyes light up and you think that yeah, you can make it. You can handle anything he keeps throwing at you because you love him and you know he has to love you. If you want it to work then it will.
“I'm thirsty. Could you get me a drink?” He asks, brushing his lips against yours.
You nip them. “Can't go get it yourself?”
“You're the host,” Horikawa argues, teasing you as he presses another kiss to your lips. “You should work on making sure I'm comfortable in your home.”
You roll your eyes, moving Horikawa off of your lap so you can get him a drink. “Yeah, like you don't stay here enough to not just go get your own shit. I'll be back, needy bastard.” You've been with him long enough that you don't have to ask what he wants. Actually you have it all stocked up because he's stayed over for weekends and days so why wouldn't you have things of his?
But when you come back, you see him on your phone. It's obvious that he's reading through your texts and you wonder if this is the real reason why he sent you away. A ploy to be able to try to find some answers that don't even exist. Anger rises within you because fuck this noise. “What the hell?”
Horikawa jumps and drops your phone like it's burned him and he looks at you, knowing he did something wrong. Guilt is written all over his face. “I just saw you had a text message, so--”
“So you snooped at my phone?!”
“Well,” Horikawa begins, taking on a defensive tone. “The name wasn't one I recognized so who is it?”
“Who's who?!” You yell, slamming his drink down on a counter and making a mess. “I didn't know you had to know everybody I talk to! What next, do you want to know what I fucking ate today?!”
“If it isn't anything then why are you getting so defensive?” He sounds like he's trying not to yell, trying to act like he's the bigger person and that only makes you feel more and more pissed off.
“I'm not getting defensive, I'm getting pissed off you think you have a right to go look at my texts because it's not someone you might know! That's my phone and it's my privacy and what gives you the right to invade that?!”
Horikawa stands up, looking more infuriated than he has any right to considering what he just did. “You still haven't even told me who it is.”
“I don't have to!” You shout. It's amazing that Horikawa doesn't seem to understand that. “I don't know who just texted me and it could be for any goddamn reason, but you know what it isn't? It isn't some fucking hook-up or me cheating on you because that's what you think, huh? Were you also trying to see if I was flirting with any guys?!”
“I didn't even mention that so that's where your mind is going—”
You laugh and move your hands in front of you, as if trying to ward him off because you know what he's doing. “Don't start this shit. You want to try playing this mind game like I'm not the victim to your bullshit. Quit trying to be the victim every time!”
“What else could you be doing? You ignore my texts and now some random guy is texting you! What else am I supposed to believe, Izumi?!”
“Ignoring your texts?” You laugh harder and turn around, tugging your hair in frustration. “Ignoring his texts, he says. Kind of hard to do that when you send me almost five every single hour of the day! 'What are you doing? Why aren't you answering me? Am I irritating you? Are you mad?' You know, I'll give you an honest answer: you sure as hell are irritating me! Can you get off my fucking dick?!”
“Why, so another man can get on?” Horikawa challenges, not yelling, but coldly stating this as if he thinks he's got something on you which is so hilariously far from the truth.
Words don't come to you and you stare at him, trying to think of something. Anything. You need to make this stop and you know there's one way: breaking up. If any if your friends were here right now, they'd be telling you to do it. Don't stick your dick in crazy and this is beyond crazy. You're not stupid. This isn't healthy, the way he won't trust you and how he treats you. It's bad.
You open your mouth, ready to say the words but you can't. The idea of breaking up with him makes you feel sick and you can't let him go. You can't give up.
“I can't do this.” Sitting down on your couch, elbows on your knees, and head in your hands; you decide to show him one thing: how much this is hurting you. “I'm so sick of having to defend myself and goddamnit, I don't want to fight. I just wanted to spend time with you and it's like we can't do that without you wondering if maybe I don't want to or something.” You could cry right now with how frustrated you are, but like hell you'll do that.
“Izumi…?”
“I need space. I need to figure things out and I can't do that with you being like this.”
You hope he understands what you're trying to say because talking things out has never been something you're very good at. Something tells you you're going to have to and you know you're really going to have to think hard.
“Are you breaking up with me?”
“No. I want the space so I don't break up with you and no, it isn't to hook up with some other guy.”
“...Then is this a break?”
“No. It's just a few days, okay? It's just me trying to get some space from you so we can stop fighting and think. We're still dating. Do you get it?”
You still haven't looked up at him and you don't want to. You know if he can't take a few hours away from you then a few days is ten times worse. But if you two are going to make it then you both need this.
“Okay.” You don't have to look up to hear his nod or to see how hard that one word was for him. “Izumi, I--” He trails off and you turn your head up because something about his tone seems like you should listen. But then that seems to ruin what he wanted to say and he shakes his head. “Never mind. I'll tell you later. I'll see you?”
Standing up, you walk over to him and kiss him softly. You offer him a small smile, trying to assure him this really isn't the end. “I'll call you.” Maybe you should say more, but you're still not sure what words you want to tell him because you know if you want this to work, you're going to have to think. And hard.
He only nods and steps back, walking out quickly. The door closing makes you feel alone and you lay down on your couch, feeling how warm it is where you two were just sitting. Sighing, your eyes turn to the television, to his favorite movie. It's really not something you'd watch and so you instead decide to look at your phone because now you are wondering who texted you.
And then you laugh bitterly when you see it was just some fucking classmate you were paired up with today asking you to meet up to work on some project.
