![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Izuminokami thought he hated waking up most of all. He always woke up when Horikawa was getting out of bed, naked and taking clothes so he could dress and get ready for work. But seeing Horikawa naked made him remember how they had fucked the night before.
Before returning to Japan, emptiness had been the feeling he had felt for a long time. He'd tried to fill it with other men, sometimes women, drugs, or anything else that could distract him. He tried to do anything that would make him feel anything else other than that nagging empty feeling. Happiness seemed like a memory and the last time he could remember it was when Horikawa had kissed him good-bye and said he'd wait for him. That's why he had returned to Horikawa. That's why he had childishly hoped to feel that again.
But he only felt emptiness. As he looked at his back, his ass. As he felt the remnants of Horikawa inside of him, the soreness. How his mouth tasted of Horikawa's cum still.
I want to go back to sleep, Izuminokami thought as he watched Horikawa go around their room. I don't want to think. Just for a little while. He tried to close his eyes, tried to will himself back to sleep. But all he could focus on was Horikawa and his presence. Izuminokami tried to curl in more, putting the blankets over his head.
“Did I wake you?”
His body tensed and he just grunted. Right now he didn't feel like talking to him. Or anybody.
“Sorry. I'll try to be more quiet. Ah, I might be home early today, though. Do you want anything to eat?” I don't want to talk, Izuminokami thought. He brought the blankets so close to his face he thought he might suffocate. “Are you grumpy this morning, Kane-san? Well, I'll just bring your favorites, then. I hope you won't mind. I'll see you later. I love you.”
Izuminokami waited for Horikawa to leave and once he did, he relaxed. Now he was breathing heavily, not sure if it was from the blankets or what. But he felt like he may never catch his breath, that his heart may never stop beating this fast.
Why did he ever think this feeling would go away? Why did he think that Horikawa could make him happy again? Nothing could. This emptiness was never going to leave.
I just want to go back to sleep.
- - - -
“You never make sounds anymore when we make love,” Horikawa said as he turned to his side, drifting his hands over Izuminokami's chest. “You just lie there and let me do what I want. Do you not want to have sex anymore?”
Izuminokami looked over at Horikawa and laughed. “You called it making love. That's a fucking joke.”
“Then what do we do? I mean, I love you--”
“You don't.”
Horikawa frowned. “Kane-san, what's wrong?”
“Nothing. I just hate it when you say this bullshit to me so you can fuck me. You don't have to. You're already fucking me so stop saying that stuff!”
“Kane-san--”
“And stop calling me by that stupid, stupid name!” Izuminokami turned to his pillow and kept screaming. He wanted to cry, he wanted to punch something, he wanted to punch Horikawa. He felt Horikawa touch his back, trying to comfort him, but he slapped his hand away and sat up. “What, hoping to 'make love' some more?”
“I told you since day one, if you ever wanted to stop this, then we would. I've never wanted to force you into something you don't want. I'll stop having sex with you, if that's what you want. I won't touch you, I won't do anything anymore. I'll give you your own room or maybe I can help you find somewhere else--”
That thought made Izuminokami feel sick to his stomach, as he listened to Horikawa go on. “No,” he said. “I don't want that.”
“Then what do you want?”
Izuminokami frowned, looking down and away. “I don't really know. But...I don't want to leave you. I'm sorry I guess I'm just tired. Are you mad?”
Horikawa kissed his cheek. “I couldn't be. I'm sorry I woke you this morning. Do you want to go to sleep?”
Izuminokami thought about it and then asked quietly, “Will you make love to me?”
Surprised by what Izuminokami wanted, it still didn't take long for Horikawa to agree and kiss him. It didn't take much for Izuminokami to grow hard and he took that as a sign. This was obviously what he wanted. All he needed was Horikawa, right? That's all he needed. Even all those years ago. This was why he had felt empty. And now, even though he had him, he just couldn't believe Horikawa could still want him. Not when he was so different, so used and dirty from all the men that had fucked him. From all the awful things he had done.
This was what was wrong. It was that simple.
But when they went to bed, Horikawa's arm over his stomach, Izuminokami could only stay awake. Could only keep telling himself that if he just let himself be happy, he could be. He felt empty only because he was letting himself. He could be happy. He really could be.
I just want to go to sleep, Izuminokami thought as he looked at the clock strike 3am. As Horikawa breathed deeply in his sleep and rolled away from Izuminokami in his slumber.
Izuminokami turned to his side and curled up, hiding the blankets over his head as tried to control his breathing.
He hated being awake most of all.
Before returning to Japan, emptiness had been the feeling he had felt for a long time. He'd tried to fill it with other men, sometimes women, drugs, or anything else that could distract him. He tried to do anything that would make him feel anything else other than that nagging empty feeling. Happiness seemed like a memory and the last time he could remember it was when Horikawa had kissed him good-bye and said he'd wait for him. That's why he had returned to Horikawa. That's why he had childishly hoped to feel that again.
But he only felt emptiness. As he looked at his back, his ass. As he felt the remnants of Horikawa inside of him, the soreness. How his mouth tasted of Horikawa's cum still.
I want to go back to sleep, Izuminokami thought as he watched Horikawa go around their room. I don't want to think. Just for a little while. He tried to close his eyes, tried to will himself back to sleep. But all he could focus on was Horikawa and his presence. Izuminokami tried to curl in more, putting the blankets over his head.
“Did I wake you?”
His body tensed and he just grunted. Right now he didn't feel like talking to him. Or anybody.
“Sorry. I'll try to be more quiet. Ah, I might be home early today, though. Do you want anything to eat?” I don't want to talk, Izuminokami thought. He brought the blankets so close to his face he thought he might suffocate. “Are you grumpy this morning, Kane-san? Well, I'll just bring your favorites, then. I hope you won't mind. I'll see you later. I love you.”
Izuminokami waited for Horikawa to leave and once he did, he relaxed. Now he was breathing heavily, not sure if it was from the blankets or what. But he felt like he may never catch his breath, that his heart may never stop beating this fast.
Why did he ever think this feeling would go away? Why did he think that Horikawa could make him happy again? Nothing could. This emptiness was never going to leave.
I just want to go back to sleep.
- - - -
“You never make sounds anymore when we make love,” Horikawa said as he turned to his side, drifting his hands over Izuminokami's chest. “You just lie there and let me do what I want. Do you not want to have sex anymore?”
Izuminokami looked over at Horikawa and laughed. “You called it making love. That's a fucking joke.”
“Then what do we do? I mean, I love you--”
“You don't.”
Horikawa frowned. “Kane-san, what's wrong?”
“Nothing. I just hate it when you say this bullshit to me so you can fuck me. You don't have to. You're already fucking me so stop saying that stuff!”
“Kane-san--”
“And stop calling me by that stupid, stupid name!” Izuminokami turned to his pillow and kept screaming. He wanted to cry, he wanted to punch something, he wanted to punch Horikawa. He felt Horikawa touch his back, trying to comfort him, but he slapped his hand away and sat up. “What, hoping to 'make love' some more?”
“I told you since day one, if you ever wanted to stop this, then we would. I've never wanted to force you into something you don't want. I'll stop having sex with you, if that's what you want. I won't touch you, I won't do anything anymore. I'll give you your own room or maybe I can help you find somewhere else--”
That thought made Izuminokami feel sick to his stomach, as he listened to Horikawa go on. “No,” he said. “I don't want that.”
“Then what do you want?”
Izuminokami frowned, looking down and away. “I don't really know. But...I don't want to leave you. I'm sorry I guess I'm just tired. Are you mad?”
Horikawa kissed his cheek. “I couldn't be. I'm sorry I woke you this morning. Do you want to go to sleep?”
Izuminokami thought about it and then asked quietly, “Will you make love to me?”
Surprised by what Izuminokami wanted, it still didn't take long for Horikawa to agree and kiss him. It didn't take much for Izuminokami to grow hard and he took that as a sign. This was obviously what he wanted. All he needed was Horikawa, right? That's all he needed. Even all those years ago. This was why he had felt empty. And now, even though he had him, he just couldn't believe Horikawa could still want him. Not when he was so different, so used and dirty from all the men that had fucked him. From all the awful things he had done.
This was what was wrong. It was that simple.
But when they went to bed, Horikawa's arm over his stomach, Izuminokami could only stay awake. Could only keep telling himself that if he just let himself be happy, he could be. He felt empty only because he was letting himself. He could be happy. He really could be.
I just want to go to sleep, Izuminokami thought as he looked at the clock strike 3am. As Horikawa breathed deeply in his sleep and rolled away from Izuminokami in his slumber.
Izuminokami turned to his side and curled up, hiding the blankets over his head as tried to control his breathing.
He hated being awake most of all.